I write this in hopes that it will help anyone who ever goes through a miscarriage. I remember right after we lost our baby I scoured blogs looking for anyone who had gone through what I was currently going through. I just wanted to know that what I was feeling wasn’t crazy or ridiculous because it sure felt like it to me. I wanted to know that I wasn't alone because in that moment I have never felt more alone in my life.
Here is our story:
We were finally pregnant and boy was I excited!!!! I remember our first appointment so clearly. I remember our doctor saying see that little flickr thats your baby and thats the heartbeat. I was so thrilled and Geary and I both agreed that we would call the baby flickr until we knew the sex.
I remember talking to the baby and loving that little flickr with all of my heart. Everything centered around what was best for that little flickr from what I ate and drank to what I did. I was willing to give up anything so that baby would be healthy. For goodness sakes I gave up all soda which if you know me was a BIG deal.
Geary and I anticipated our next appointment with great excitement because this was the day we would HEAR the baby’s heartbeat. I was over the moon excited when we finally got to go back. I jumped on the table and Geary was right by my side... boy were we ready.
We never heard the baby’s heartbeat that day.
I remember this time that finding the flickr aka the heartbeat was taking longer than it did the last time and the doctor wasn’t saying anything and then all of a sudden Geary left my side and went and sat down. ( He is a doctor and he knew something was wrong before the doctor could ever tell me... he was about to pass out so he needed to sit before that happened.) I started whispering whats wrong and the Doctor said I can’t seem to find the heartbeat and the next thing I know the nurse is handing me a tissue and Geary is back at my side. They are saying things like lets try a different ultrasound .... needless to say no heartbeat was ever found and in that my moment all the excitement of this new life growing inside of me, all of my hopes and dreams for our future with that child came crashing down around me.
We came home and we decided Geary would go back to work and I would stay home. I remember sitting outside holding my cat and balling. I was devastated and i just wanted to wake up from the dream only it wasn’t a dream it was our reality. Geary ended up staying home and we prayed and prayed and prayed. We then moved from prayer to praise because our situation was bad but God He was still good. God is the giver of life and the enemy (satan) steals, kills, and destroys.
The next day I started bleeding and cramping so it was decided that I would have a D and C because the doctor felt this miscarriage was going to be very painful. Right before the procedure I began the process of the miscarriage and the doctor was right about the pain. Never in my life have I felt cramps like that. I am so thankful that I was able to have the D and C instead of enduring that kind of pain for a few hours. I left the hospital empty knowing that I would never hold that baby that I already loved so much. I also left knowing that our baby was adopted into the family of God and that flickr was heaven and God our father was taking care of he/she.