I had Geary call and tell my parents while I was waiting to go back for the procedure. I just couldn’t tell them. I knew it would crush my dad and step mom. They were so excited to be grandparents. We probably should have told them the day we found out but I couldn’t so we waited until there was no chance that the doctors had been wrong and that there was no miracle. We held out for a miracle until the very end. It was so weird to be in the same recovery room as the women who had just had a c-section. It was like rubbing salt into the wound. I would sit there and watch lady after lady come in and awake to hear that there baby was healthy.... all I can say about that is aghhhh!!!
We then went home and grieved. My parents came up the day after the procedure and stayed with us the whole day. It was so nice to have them there because at that point I wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions I just wanted to avoid them. They left and we grieved. I cried all the time!!! I also dealt with a ton of emotions.
I felt ashamed as if I had somehow failed. I felt that I had failed in the one area that has always been my greatest desire~ becoming a mother. I felt like I had failed everyone especially Geary. I was so ashamed!! I didn’t want to face anyone or talk to anybody. I was angry!! I was hurt!!! I was sad!! I racked my brain to figure out what I had done wrong even though everyone had told me its not your fault. I wanted an explanation other than these things happen and its actually a miracle that anyone carries a baby to full term. I wanted an explanation that I could fix or at least try to fix. I wanted to stay in my house forever and never come out. I wanted to rewind time and start over. I didn’t want to face all of my pregnant friends. I just wanted my baby to be back safely in my womb.
I had a choice I could praise God during the storm or I could succumb to the depression that was beginning to take over. Sometimes it just felt easier to give into the depression but where is the testimony in that so I chose to praise Him ( most of the time) :) .
I for awhile had decided I never wanted to get pregnant again. I just felt that I couldn’t handle this kind of pain and disappointment again. I think this lasted for a good month and then my heart softened again to the deepest desire of my heart ~ MOTHERHOOD!!! I know that one day I will be Mom !!!
For children are a gift from God
Psalm 127:3
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